My six month visit

Yesterday was my 6 month visit to my oncologist, and as I sat patiently waiting in the exam room my thoughts began to race. How many times had I sat in this exact room, this exact chair over the years? The soft cotton blue gown covering only my upper body.  I glanced up at the pictures of deer in brown wooden frames. My doctor was a fisherman, but I don't think he is a hunter.  The one to the right of me had a picture of three deer-bucks I'm guessing-because the caption under the pic said "The Buck Stops Here."  How clever, for a moment my thoughts were distracted.  Trying hard not to listen to the conversation taking place in the exam room directly across the hall (which happened to be my favorite exam room), their muffled conversation was reminiscent of the ones I'd have when my ex would go with me.  I mean, I can literally count on one hand the number of times that happened.  I felt myself quickly sliding off the nice cushioned blue and green striped arm chair onto the proverbial  pity pot, but  instantly I scolded myself...you're alive...stay positive...you don't need someone sitting in that empty chair next to you.  I sat straighter and uncrossed my legs. Listening again to the hushed tones across the hall.  My favorite exam room...why was that I pondered?  Well, maybe it has something to do with the pictures plastering the walls of my favorite NBA team, the Spurs, along with their cute mascot the Coyote. The Coyote  always made everyone laugh, cheer and basically get into the game. When I was in that room I'd automatically take myself to one of the games...the electricity of the crowd, the music, the laughter...the excitement. Being at a game always makes me feel so happy...so alive.

In some ways today's visit wasn't any different than the countless ones before, but in another way the contrast was huge....stark.  Today my heart was pounding a little bit harder and my pulse was racing a little faster. Today I was going to find out the result of a pelvic ultrasound that was performed to check on a noticeable lump to the left of my navel. My internist thought it might be ovarian cancer.  Yikes! I'd never thought that I could get ovarian cancer because when I was 19 years old, I had all of one ovary and most of the other one removed due to advanced endometriosis.  They had kept a very small 'particle' of that ovary because of my age, the surgeon had informed me at the time.  The day I had the sonogram done I remember looking up at the dimly lit room while the young sonographer ( if this is really a word) informed me that my little particle of an ovary had actually grown over the past ten years.  I didn't even know that was possible - hence, the source of my complacency and total lack of fear regarding ovarian cancer.  However, I learned at that moment that now I actually have a normal size ovary and the risk could very well exist.  But as usual, she couldn't tell me anything and I would have to wait and talk to my doctor. Gone were the days when the radiologist would come and talk to you, reassuring you that everything was okay. 

 Now,  as you know by now, I'm one that believes in believing for the best but preparing for the 'less than best' outcome.  All you survivors out there know exactly what I'm talking about. The shuffling of feet going up and down the hall, the voices of the nurses handing out prescriptions wasn't helping my already rapid heartbeat. Closing my eyes I decided to practice my deep breathing techniques, shutting out all the sounds and chatter around me.  Breathe in slowly through my nose, hold my breath while counting to 5 and then exhale slowly through the mouth. Again. And Again.  I'd just barely finished my 3rd relaxing breath when the knock came at the door. Now, I have to tell you...my doctor exhuberates kindness and that alone, as we all know, helps you to relax right off the bat. After the usual greetings and how have you been for the past 6 months, he looked me in the eyes and told me  the words that every cancer survivor loves to hear-it's benign-you have nothing to worry about.  A huge smile immediately spread across my face and I couldn't resist giving this bearer of good news a big hug. And, he continued, all your blood work looks great, so my dear - you're good to go for another 6,000 miles...or 6 months, which ever comes first.  I'm sure the laughter could be heard all the way to the front receptionist desk.  Relief swept over me like a warm ocean wave.

 But I'd come prepared.  Ready to be strong. Ready to fight. Ready to hear whatever came out of his mouth. The day before my visit,  I had gone to lunch with a friend of  mine who has gone through her second bout with ovarian cancer. She was in effect preparing me for the other words I might hear. The other possible outcome.  I was ready to fight whatever battle might be waiting up ahead for me.  But I knew that no matter what, I'd  pick myself up, dust myself off and once again turn it all over to the Lord.  All the worries, all the fears and yes, all the healing. Forever hopeful, yet forever prepared. Those words have become my motto, my way of life for the past 26 years.

As I am typing this, there are ten minutes left till the most 'romantic day of the year' winds down to a close for another 364 days.  Today, against my will I might add, I battled the ridiculous lines at the grocery store, wedged between two baskets filled with all the usual valentin'ey' things.  You know, delectable and intricately decorated chocolate covered strawberries, heaping vases filled with roses of every color, a box of chocolates, and yes, the occasional 'I Heart You' balloon, towering above someone who looks as though they just want to dash to their car in total anonymity as quickly and quietly as possible.  Me?  I've got none of that in my cart.  Instead, I've got toilet paper, cat food, milk, cereal, sliced turkey (for my 10 year-old's lunch because she cannot stand another day of buying lunch at school--ever so dramatic :), the myriad of ingrediants to make potato soup (for my sister who is under the weather),and medicine for my four year-old who is also in the cart with red eyes, a runny nose, and a cough that has other shoppers keeping their safe distance from the possibly contaminated child.  And as I am wedged in this line of romantic shoppers, I am silently scolding myself for procrastinating yet again, thus putting myself in this predictament to begin with.  Only me to blame--sigh. 

Tyler and I make it through my grocery store trip, and as I am driving home I  think about today--and all of those people who may not have a certain someone in their life to do Valentin'ey' things with.  My mom approached this subject last week in her "Happy Early Valentine's Day" post, and I thought I might expound on that for just one more time.  I know a lot of readers are in happy marriages with supportive spouses which is an amazing and wonderful blessing.  But, I also know that there are many of you who have had to battle through the toughest times of your life alone. A good friend of mine who is now in remission, was battling non-hodgkins lymphona a couple of years ago--not alone, but single.  My mom has a close friend who battled breast cancer--not alone, but single.  And my mom has battled most of the hardships in her life--not alone, but single.  I want to emphasize not alone, because we are never alone.  We have family, friends, and even when those are few and far between we have God.  But sometimes, no matter who we have in our life, we just feel a-l-o-n-e.

I was reading in my Daily Word this morning the devotion dedicated to Valentine's Day.  And I would like to share it with you all:

"Today is Valentine's Day, but every day can be a day of love, and every day I can choose to be loving.  The more love I give, the more love I get.  So today, I begin a love cascade.  I close my eyes, connect with Spirit and focus on all I am grateful for--from the tiniest blessing to the biggest.  I feel gratitude and love grow in my heart.  As I allow the spirit of God to express through me in loving ways, I feel love grow.  I smile at a stranger, open the door for someone I meet, run an errand for a neighbor and say a kind and caring word to a friend.  As I continuously give love, love is returned to me beyond measure.  "Let love be genuine;...hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor.-Romans 12:9-10. 

So many times, we get hung up on the chocolates, the roses, the  balloons, or lack thereof.  And we (myself included) forget about all those languages of love that don't cost us a dime.  Love doesn't need to celebrated one day out of the year.  Love, love for one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, love for one another as family, friends, and neighbors needs to happen 365 days a year.  And I know I tend to forget that.  Tend to get mired down in things that really don't matter.  So I was greatful for today's message in the Daily Word.  And hope that maybe it helped some of you to have a better day too.

Hoping that all of you feel the love of Christ today and always.  We are here for you if you need to talk or someone to pray with.  Happy Valentine's Day!

Hugs,
Casey

Happy Early Valentine's Day!

Well, it's almost here again...the day that we as American women either look forward to with ecstatic enthusiasm or dread almost as much as our annual  visit to the gynecologist...VALENTINE'S DAY! Ever since Bobby Tuttle put his handmade Valentine's Day card in my white paper bag in Mrs. Jones 4th grade class - not one single day has meant more to my chronically-romantic nature and I must add long suffering heart than this most cherished day.

Now, what I have to say next is sure to come as a shock. ...I know by the emails I have received from many of you that you think I am in the throngs of a happily- ever- after marriage.  But no - I have been dipping my toes in and out of the murky dating pool for almost 11 years now and  trust me - I do mean murky. These have been probably the toughest years of my life - emotionally speaking.  During these past 11 years, I've buried both of my parents - which were the absolute two hardest days of my life.  There were days, when honestly, I didn't know how I could get out of bed much less put one foot in front of the other. Unbearably tough times. And for some reason I'll never understand why I had to go through those times alone. In spite of the fact that I'd been in and out of relationships - serious ones at that....to the point that I was engaged several times- I was still left to face my parents death alone. And I don't think there is a more alone feeling in the world than sitting in the ER, the ICU and finally hospice - alone. Especially as an only child.  I've heard that we really never grow up until we lose our parents.  And I believe this to be very true.  But then again His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are above our thoughts.  So, there's obviously a reason for things happening the way they do. And maybe one day I'll find out what that reason was. Looking back on those days; however, I realize that I was never really alone.  The Lord was with me, and He was carrying me when I was too weak to stand. He was the reason I endured.

Okay, back on track...Valentine's Day.  Awww...Truthfully, the last two Valentine's Day were probably two of the happiest days of my life. A dozen red roses, a romantic candlelight dinner and a beautiful engagement ring. Life couldn't get much better than that. You know what I'm talking about.  We've all had those kind of Valentine's Days - the perfect ones  - the ones that make  the world look so bright, so beautiful.

But that was then and this is now. Reality set in not too much long after the last Valentine's Day and I was forced to see that behind my proverbial knight in shining armor was a very wounded little boy who had control and jealousy issues. Not that I'm perfect - oh no, not by a long shot.  But WOW! I'm seeing a pattern here - I  keep attracting the same type...will I ever learn?  So, after 7 months of nurturing my once again broken heart and trying to pick up the pieces of yet another shattered dream - I'm facing the other kind of Valentine's Day in a mere eight days.  I've been bracing for this day for the past month....trying to prepare myself. There will be no romantic candlelight dinners, no red roses, no 8 by 10 card with a picture of this blissfully happy couple on the front. Instead, this year I will be in Austin with my youngest daughter who is having surgery. But just today the thought occurred to me that there's no other place I'd rather be on February 14, 2013 - than by her side. After all, she is one of the greatest loves of my life. And if my so-called dream relationship hadn't ended when it did - the chances of me being by her side would be slim.

So, here's to all you single ladies out there on Valentine's Day. My wish for you is that you love yourself and realize that God loves you more than you can imagine. Remind yourself of  that  fact. He will never forsake you. He'll never leave you alone when you're facing the greatest trials of your life....no matter what those trials may look like.   Whether it's  another surgery, the loss of a loved one or an unbearable heartache. He'll be my your side.

On this Valentine's Day take time to discover a new appreciation for your friends and family. After all, that's where you're the most likely to find true love....lasting love. The kind of love that always lifts you up when you're feeling down and hopes for and believes in the best for you. Unconditional love.

So on February 14th, hug your child, your children, your grandkids, then go out and buy yourself a red rose, a dozen roses,  a box of candy and the CD by Whitney Houston that has one of my favorite songs on it- The Greatest Love of All, turn up the volume and  sing out loud to the top of your lungs. Light a candle, bask in it's soft glow,  draw yourself a hot bubble bath and sip on that glass of wine or champagne.  Here's to you. Today is your day. Will you be my Valentine?

To all my fellow insomniacs

So it is 2:30 in the morning--correction, 2:41 in the morning.  And with less than four hours till my alarm clock goes off to start another day, I find myself having trouble shutting this day down.   Like my mother, and her father, I am a night owl--lately this phenomenon has been tempered by the sheer exhaustion that accompanies following a very active but adorable four year old around--but tonight my insomniac night owl syndrome happens to be in full swing.  You know the kind--where your to-do lists keep swirling around in your head to the tune of psycho playing on in the background (sorry-had to throw that in after seeing Hitchcock the other night--good movie if you haven't seen it).  Oh, speaking of which, another good movie is Silver Lining Playbook.  Sorry, apparently ADD is kicking in tonight as well.  So, after trying for an hour to go to sleep I throw back the covers and decide to heck with it.  If I'm not going to sleep I might as well try and figure out this social media thing.  Now, I know I am fairly young (well not really, I just still like to use the term :), but I am not so old that I should be that far removed from the social media world.  I mean ALL my friends are doing it.  When you run into someone at the mall, instead of exchanging contact information, I get the 'I'll find you on facebook and we'll have to get together' speel.  And when I tell them that I'm not, nor have I ever been on facebook, their mouths gape wide open as if I just told them I'd just been released after ten years in prison.  I mean, am I really the only one who has been dragged into this century of iphones, ipads, twitter and facebook accounts kicking and screaming?  Am I the lone holdout in this era of texting, liking, or whatever it is people do these days?  I guess so.  Which is why starting up this blog with my mother has been extra challenging--topped off with a couple extra layers of frustration.  I don't have the patience, nor the time, to try to connect.  Our point was to let others know that there is hope in the face of domestic abuse, metastatic cancer, depression, alzheimer's, all the lonely and terrifying roads my mother (and we as a family) have been down.  We wanted to share this message of hope and faith.  And from emails my mother receives from so many wonderful women who have been encouraged and empowered through her story, I know we are already doing that.  But, I know that with a little social media know-how we could reach so many more.  So, that is what I have spent the past two hours trying to do--in vain I might add.  It appears that I am totally and hopelessly inept social media wise.  I mean, I can't even figure out how to like people back on facebook for pete's sake!  I have sent out an SOS to my sister tonight. So hopefully in-between scouring over hundreds of applications, answering a ton of emails, and overseeing yet another orientation, hopefully she will have a small window to help out her inept sister.  In the meantime, we appreciate everyone's patience as we figure all this out together.  Please feel free to connect with us by posting a comment, 'liking us on facebook', following us on twitter, or whatever you like to do :)

In the meantime, we will be here as always.

Goodnight everyone!

Blessings,
Casey

Beta Blockers To Treat Cancer?

I just came across an article this morning on twitter that I thought we should share.  Apparently, it looks like beta blockers, medications commonly used to treat conditions such as heart disease, high blood pressure, glaucoma and migraines, might also play an important role in certain types of cancer, including some forms of breast, lung and ovarian, among others.  The theory came about after studies showed a lower death rate among individuals taking beta-blockers over an extended period of time to treat other conditions.  The study is being led by Professor Anil Sood at MD Anderson right here in Texas.  Another reason I sing the praises of MD Anderson--they seem to be at the forefront of everything.  The article does caution that cancer treatment using beta blockers is a little ways away, until they figure out how the side effects of the beta blockers effect cancer patients.  If you'd like to read more about this study, click on the link below!

http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer-info/news/archive/cancernews/CR_093620?rss=true&utm_source=%40Cancer_Buzz&utm_medium=twitter

Why Didn't I think of That?

Over the years, the older I get, the more "Why on earth didn't I think of that?' moments I have.  And this past week when I stumbled upon the following article about a daughter who is petitioning Victoria's Secret to create a line of bras specifically for breast cancer survivors, I had yet another one.  A huge one.  I mean, this idea should have had flashing lights as bright as Vegas!  As the daughter of a 26 year-metastatic breast cancer survivor and former employee of Victoria's Secret (granted my vicky days were a long, long time ago in a galaxy far far away :), how could I not have thought of this! I have been bra shopping many, many times with my mother, and have witnessed firsthand the frustrations of trying to find a bra when you have had a mastectomy.  And if you are lucky enough to find one that will somewhat work it's never the one with the sparkles--the one displayed on the mannequin at the front of the store when you walk in.  The one that oozes femininity, sexiness, self-confidence.  No, of course not.  Rather, the one that fits (well, somewhat fits with the help of inserts and additional tweaks) is usually the one that is stuffed away in the drawers in the back corner of the store.  Tucked away with all the other bras that only come in your standard black/white/nude variety.  And my mom was a young survivor.  I was seven and my sister was three.  My mom was 35.  Didn't she deserve the sparkly bra that coordinates so beautifully with the matching panties?  Doesn't she (and all the other women out there in her situation) deserve the most beautiful bras the industry can offer?  So, today's post is entitled, "Why didn't I think of that?".  Well, maybe I didn't, but I am so grateful for the someone who did.  And so, I am asking all of our sweet readers to please sign the change.org petition requesting that Victoria's Secret start a line of 'survivor bra's' for women who have had mastectomys.  What a wonderfully brilliant and long overdue idea.  As we all know, there is power in numbers.  So, let's all show those executives over there that there is a demand and great need for 'survivor bras'.  And I don't want them to just create something overnight and slap it on the shelves.  There needs to be research--for as we all know--all mastectomys are not created equal.  They are as unique as each survivor.  There needs to be thought, feedback, studies, input, and other variables for this to work.  Women who had a mastectomy twenty years ago are going to need a different design than the ones who had their surgery more recently.  And you know what? It will absolutely be worth the time, effort and money. Speaking on behalf of all daughters of survivors out there, if Victoria's Secret does start a 'survivor line', I will be more than happy from now on to shop for my bras exclusively at Victoria's Secret (well, I already do--but this will seal the deal!) simply to show my appreciation.  It will be another round-a-bout way for me to support my mother.  So, click on the link below and sign away.  Looking forward to seeing all those pink-ribbon bras at a Victoria's Secret near you. 

Psst...don't forget to click below:
http://www.change.org/survivorbras?utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=url_share&utm_campaign=url_share_before_sign

Blessings,
Casey

The Sunsets of our Lives

It's been a while since I've 'posted' and I truly apologize...it just seems like the time is flying by so fast.  I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and that this year will be a healthy and happy one for all of you!

 I love these kind of days. Where the crisp air is chilly enough that you actually need a sweater to venture outside. These kind of days in south Texas are rare and so I decided to take full advantage of it and go for  a short walk.  Soon enough it will be hotter than blazes and we'll all be staying inside - hiding behind our air conditioners. It felt so good to be outside..twlight  is my favorite time of day... when the sky turns into  brilliant shades of pink, purple and gold.  The birds sharing  their own unique song before settling in for the night. And the stars begin to peek out from behind the clouds. The walk helped clear my mind.  I had asked God to tell me what to blog about tonight.  And so before I came back inside, I just stood in my front yard -eyes closed, soaking up the gentle rays of the warm sun before it drifted out of sight. Another sunset. And suddenly I knew. Today's Daily Word was about divine order. I quote:"I move through change with ease. Divine order is a continual process.  I know that when the sun sets on one side of the world, it is rising on the other. When I consider my life in this way, I see my own sunsets from a new perspective.  I accept and honor the transitions in my life. I allow what was once part of my experience to pass and to wait patiently for what is next. As I move through change, I am not alone. The love of God is my assurance and support.  With God, I gain a deeper understanding of my life.  I know that after every sunset, I will experience a grand sunrise."

This morning, I was on the way to my doctor and Casey, my daughter, called to tell me about a young woman who has been blogging about her battle with  breast cancer for seven years now. On Wednesday,the 26th of December, Bridget posted what in her words would be her last. So, while I was sitting in the waiting room, I decided to pull up her blog. - My Big Girl Pants - to find out more  about the life of this brave young woman. I have to tell you that her story is completely heart-wrenching. There is no other way to describe it.  I don't think Bridget will mind that I'm mentioning her blog or her story because I feel as though I've already met this courageous and beautiful young woman through her own words. She was only 21 when diagnosed with breast cancer. She had her whole life in front of her. The strength, determination and courage she displayed throughout  her journey is nothing short of remarkable. She is a hero in every sense of the word.  Her hope was that she would be remembered.  How could anyone possibly forget her if they've  read even just one of her posts, much less her last?

We all know that when we begin this journey, that there are two possible outcomes. And we do everything in our power to help us achieve the right one. Sometimes though, inspite of all our best efforts, things just don't work out the way we'd hoped and prayed. Sometimes life doesn't seem fair. Period. And we'll never know why some things happen the way they do. No rhyme or reason. Why someone so young, beautiful and full of hope like Bridget won't be around to see her little niece grow up or  have her own beautiful children one day. News like this makes us all want to pound our fist on the wall and cry out...why God...WHY?  It doesn't make sense and it makes you question your own faith. It reminds me of one of my close friends who lost her battle to breast cancer at a young age. I couldn't wrap my head around why God didn't heal her.  But then we have to pull ourselves back up and remember that God is still in control. There is so much in this life that we will never understand.  We just have to give thanks that Bridget's life was a gift to us all. She was the embodiment of hope, and courage. Strength and determination.  Her life was an example of the beauty and tenaciousness of the human spirit.

So, as I was standing outside, my face being warmed by the sun I thought of Bridget.  I have no idea how she is doing since her last post.  But I do know that whenever the sun does set on her beautiful life, she will experience a grand sunrise.  And God will welcome another angel home.  Please put Bridget and all of her family in your prayers.

And God shall wipe every tear from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow or crying, neither shall there be any more pain...  Revelations 21:4